It’s a wild time right now. I’m going through a lot of good days, but also a lot of bad ones. It’s about 70% bad and 30% good.
There are days where I sleep all day. And then there are days where it feels easy to get things done, to go outside, and to climb that huge mountain surrounding my apartment — only metaphorically, of course.
I want so badly to meet up with people again, but it’s barely possible unless it happens spontaneously on my side. I can have a day where things are going okay and I can say, “Hey, do you want to meet up?” — but it has to happen within the next two hours, otherwise everything crashes again.
I got the letter from my doctor where he listed everything I’m dealing with, and this morning I contacted four clinics outside of Hamburg. I really need to get out, somewhere else, to give myself the peace I desperately need.
I have to learn how to live with my trauma. I have to learn how to live with my depression. And I’ll probably need medication as well — at least that’s the last thing my doctor said.
I’m trying, even though it takes so much effort, to break out of my shell. Some days it works, some days it doesn’t.
Yesterday, streaming felt so strange. I was nervous the entire time. But that’s also because of what happened over the weekend. I spoke about it openly.
I’m also educating myself more on politics right now. It’s incredibly overwhelming, so I’m trying to take it step by step.
I’m connecting with many new people online, and I’m grateful for that — even if the topic that connects us isn’t exactly a beautiful one at the moment.
I’m trying to build some kind of stable daily routine. But right now, that means I don’t sleep at night, I sleep during the day. That’s why I’m trying to schedule appointments for the early morning hours.
I really hope that by tomorrow, one of the clinics will respond and tell me, “We have a free spot, you can come in quickly.” My health insurance would even cover a private clinic, and that means a lot.
I’m fighting my way through this because I want to become someone who truly loves and enjoys life again — someone who doesn’t isolate, someone who can look up at the sky and say, “I made it.”
That’s what I want.
Everything will be okay again.
Midnight Soul 