Going through different phases in life seems to be the norm for me right now. Honestly, it’s exhausting. I still feel as if the universe keeps placing bombs in my path—bombs I either have to avoid or somehow defuse.
I’ve had a pretty intense migraine today and tried all day to push through it, but it’s completely overwhelming me now, and I’ll probably go to bed soon.
Today I had to make a decision based on my boundaries. That felt strange, because I questioned myself for hours—wondering whether I was repeating the same patterns as last year or whether the situation truly was as disrespectful as it felt to me. After needing to reassure myself and reflect deeply, I came to the conclusion that it was disrespectful, and that this person can no longer be part of my community.
For weeks now, I’ve mostly just felt confused by what’s going on in my head. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m fighting my own mind almost every single day. It’s not easy, and I’m incredibly relieved knowing that I’ll finally be able to set foot in the clinic soon.
Of course, there are other things that occupy my thoughts daily too—but right now, there’s nothing I can change about them. If I had a plane ticket, I would leave. I’m one hundred percent sure of that. All I really think, every day, is that I hope they are doing well.
But I’m trying to focus more on myself—on what I write, on what I try to build with some members of my community, and on what I attempt to do in my real life. Today, I’m exhausted. Deeply exhausted.
I don’t want any more life lessons. I’ve learned them. I truly have. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to prove that.
I almost wrote something like, “Since he’s gone, my life has gone downhill,” but that wouldn’t be true. That would imply it was his fault—and it isn’t. Since he’s gone, I see reality more clearly. My life has been going downhill for years. I’m just trying, with everything I have, to make it better now.
I only wish I didn’t constantly feel like I’m standing on a stage under a huge spotlight, with everyone watching me, waiting for the tiniest mistake. I will never be perfect. I can’t be. Perfectionism nearly destroyed me. Wanting to be perfect cost me the best relationship of my life.
I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be normal.
And someday, I will be normal, right?
Everything will be okay again.
Midnight Soul 