It’s the weekend, and in the past I was always insanely excited for weekends. But now… someone should probably take down the sign that said “one day without crying,” because we’re back to zero days without crying. I’m sitting here crying again, and I don’t know why, for the life of me. I’m incredibly irritated and I don’t know why. I’m angry and I don’t know why.
And realistically, the next few days are about going toward the clinic. Intake talks. Appointments. And I should be happy about that, because I’ve postponed this for years—because I had to.
I miss the person I used to be.
That energetic, always-laughing, always-ready-for-conversation person.
The person who loved going out.
The person who could form new friendships and wasn’t afraid to just sit alone in a café.
I feel like a shadow of something I desperately want to become again. And I feel so alone with that. Because I know that everyone I could talk to would only have the same empty phrases ready. They’d probably feel overwhelmed by these exhausting, constant mood swings.
I don’t like myself right now.
I know who I want to be.
I know where I want to go.
And yet it feels like the path is unbearably long—like my apartment is surrounded by impossibly high mountains I can barely climb.
I miss friendships.
I miss honest, deep conversations.
But what I miss the most… is you.
I can’t even put into words how much I miss you. I wish you would listen to me. I wish you would stop ignoring me. I miss my best friend. Because that’s what you were to me—my best friend. Everything else on top of that was an incredibly beautiful bonus.
I feel empty without you. As if you took a huge piece of my soul with you.
No one has ever understood me the way you did. And now I have to live without your comforting words.
I’m trying to stay strong…
Everything will be okay again, right?
Midnight Soul 