Today I was reminded of a game from a year ago by a question in my stream. The question was which game I would want to erase from my memory, and I said “The Last of Us.”
I would want to play it again without any memories. And I almost cried on stream. Because that game, that series… I connect them with you, and I can’t help it. I cried with you on stream. I cried with you while watching the series.
I can’t and don’t want to erase those memories. They will always be a part of me.
Today I also experienced something very different and interesting: the streamer who made me start streaming back then actually remembered me. And it was so beautiful to be reminded of how and why everything began.
He was so funny, and everything felt so authentic with him back then that I wanted to try it myself.
I had no idea how — I just did it. And I would do it all over again. The people I’ve met through streaming, the experiences I’ve had… those will always be mine.
Streaming is a huge part of who I am, and I can no longer imagine a life without it.
I took such a long break for stupid reasons, and I know I will never go back to that place again.
It feels good to talk to other people who share the same interests. In my real life, I’ve never really met people like that. I’d probably be someone who would willingly upload themselves into cyberspace.
And there was one more thing today that caught me off guard. We talked on stream about “Would you want to be an android — yes or no?” and the reasons behind it. And suddenly I realized something:
Despite everything I’ve been through, and despite all the pain I still carry, I would never want to trade my life. Because I am alive. I feel. I feel hurt. I love. I laugh. I feel joy. I experience emotions.
I am me.
Someday, things in my life will become lighter. My feelings won’t be so heavy anymore. Someday, it won’t be a fight anymore.
Someday, everything will be okay.
Or, as the motto of Detroit says:
“We hope for better things; it will rise from the ashes.”
Midnight Soul 