This weekend was exhausting for me. Not only because I constantly had to think about him, but also because a lot of mental things happened.
I’m glad that I have therapy again in two days — my therapist was sick.
If she were to ask me how I’m doing, I would say: lost.
Right now, I’m trying to hold on to a few things: streaming, my cat, and writing my story.
I’ve made decisions that were for me. Decisions that were necessary so I can finally arrive in my own life.
I’ve made enough mistakes in the past, and I’m done with that now.
I need to finally come back to myself. Finally breathe. And… even though it’s really hard for me, at some point I have to forgive myself for the things I was responsible for. That doesn’t mean I’m downplaying what I did. I’m aware of it, and I continue to take full responsibility.
Today, I changed my name back to Brilliant Midnight, because my community decided on it.
That does not mean I’m pretending nothing happened. I simply want to give this name a better meaning — the meaning Midnight deserves.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish that this year becomes exactly what it is meant to be: healing.
I often think about the notes I wrote and burned, and I truly believe that the universe is on my side.
I really believe I had to go through many things in order to finally understand what truly matters in life.
From not wanting to live in a big city anymore, to realizing “this was the job I always wanted” — and then understanding that I can’t do it anymore.
I’m not 17 anymore. I’ve experienced so much since then that I can no longer be there for people in that way — at least not in a profession.
I’m curious about what will still happen in my life once I can finally walk the path I always wanted to walk.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know what else will happen. But what I do know is this: I will no longer let my trauma decide for me — I will decide for myself.
Because I matter. And I don’t mean that in a negative or arrogant way. And never in a way that means I don’t care about others. But I am here.
And even though there were so many times I didn’t want to be — and even though that small voice inside me sometimes still wants something else — I am here.
I want to live.
And I want to finally live in peace.
And I know that will happen.
I don’t know when, and I know I still have a lot to process and work through.
But I firmly believe — and I am full of hope — that I will make it.
Midnight Soul 