I was actually able to do a little bit of socializing today. It wasn’t much, and it was exhausting, but it was still nice.
I had to go to the gynecologist and sort out a few things — things that will determine my future. And afterwards, I got my nails done, and it felt good to just enjoy those few minutes for myself.
I often have to stop myself from thinking about the days ahead, because it’s February 4th soon… and it would have been almost a year. And I still see the profile picture, the name, the photos, the words of love. They’re still there — not just in my head, but still present.
I want to draw a line under it somehow… but somehow I can’t, because I still can’t let go of hope.
I often think… that I would stop hoping if I could just get back the things I sent him. But I don’t even get that.
I truly wish I could just pack my things and go to him.
And while other people have nightmares about spiders, monsters, snakes, or whatever… I have nightmares that I wake up and all of these things that are still there — all these traces — are suddenly gone.
I’m afraid of that, and at the same time I know it would probably be for the best.
I used to be someone who could get over breakups quickly. Someone who had already accepted, deep down, that I’m not a person someone can love. That I’m not meant to be loved. That I will stay alone.
But this time… I can’t. And I don’t know why I can’t.
Maybe things will change after I’ve been in the clinic.
I always sound like I don’t care. Like I’m laughing it off, like I’m strong. And yes, I am strong — because I’m still here, even though far too often I’ve wished I wasn’t.
I’ve been afraid of myself many times. And now I’m just fighting my way through these last weeks until the clinic, hoping that my nervous system will finally calm down enough for me to make decisions.
I’m happy for every person out there who has a relationship, who is loved, who grows old with someone by their side.
Is it too much to ask that I want that too?
I want it so badly. And at the same time, life seems to have never planned someone like that for me.
I wonder if you ever stop wishing for love. I wonder if you still think about me. If you still love me.
Someday everything will be okay again… right?
Midnight Soul 